Real AAR

The Department of Defense places a lot of emphasis on completing a Lesson's Learned After Action Report after doing just about anything. Seriously, you could clear a jam in a printer and write one of these things. Since I am nearing the end of my deployment I thought I would write my unofficial AAR. Not to mention that I am traveling and there is only so much time you can spend waiting on planes and staring at a wall.

If you ever want to get the attention of an officer, call them by their first name. Make sure that you address them by their proper rank before leaving as it shows that you were trying to make a point and you still respect them and their place within the Marine Corps. This is extremely effective up until you hit the rank of a Colonel and then it is just disrespectful.

If you ever want to really get under the skin of a Marine, don't wear a hat and walk around with your hands in your pockets. Marines are way too big on tradition and order and the butterfly effect is very noticeable with this group. Starting a trend with Marines is almost as easy as starting a cult. Yeah I think I can do that as well.

Never have a gangster/mob movie marathon over a weekend. All to often you will start to think that you can re-enact the scenes and you have great props laying all around you. Oh wait, those aren't props. They are loaded weapons. This is an accident waiting to happen. Hey, we lived to tell the stories so it couldn't have been that bad....right.

When speaking with a Brit it is completely inappropriate to giggle as they talk. Apparently if you have no idea what they are saying, giggling is rude but having a blank and lost look on your face is appropriate. Aussies are also humorous to talk with but Brits are definitely the funniest. You would think that understanding them is not very difficult given that we all speak English. WRONG! It is very difficult but I am definitely better at it now than I was when I first got here.

There are no attractive British women serving at Camp Bastion. If I hadn't seen or met Brits that were attractive then I would think that they just didn't exist but I assure you they do. That is why if you are ever in Afghanistan, you should visit Kandahar Air Field because there is much better scenery.

If it smells bad, start walking in the other direction. After almost 6 months experience, there is nothing ever positive to following a horrendous smell.

Sex is everywhere on this base. It is definitely against the rules but if they really didn't want it to happen then they would sell so many items in the PX to facilitate the process. By the way, they are always sold out of these products so you have to stay on the ball if you want them.

Warning: this following is extremely sexist even if it can apply both ways. Deployment goggles are a real thing. This can also be referred to at the 3 point boost that women get out here. For example, I used to have a scale of yes or no...you know what I am talking about. There is really no need to have a 10 point scale if it really just boils down to would you or wouldn't you. Out here the 10 point scale is in full effect. If a woman is a 5 back home, she is an 8 out here. It doesn't matter how much you think you love your spouse, this is a very real thing and definitively sets in by month 3. On the flip side, ugly is still ugly. Oh yeah, I am still very much married and faithful and extremely thankful for it.

When an officer has no idea what you are saying you can make up anything and tell them. If you use big enough words then you can call them a moron to their face and they won't know it. Military officers rarely are experts in the area that they manage. This means that rather than beat yourself up over how to tell them that you are right and explain why, just make stuff up. They really don't care anyway. This really sets in by meeting 3 with someone. It sounds callous but it will save you a lot of headaches.

Cigars do not taste nearly as good without some sort of liquid facilitator. That doesn't mean I just ignored all the lovely Cuban's around me. I just wasn't used to it.

The more definition a guy has on his muscles, the small amount of weight he lifts. The converse is true as well. If I guy looks big, he lifts large quantities. Marines don't like to admit it but they don't need all the heavy weights. Most times all of the small weights are being used and everything 50 lbs + is left. That is where I started :)

DLA likes to forget those who are deployed. It is one of those things that surprised me but it is true. That is why I have appreciated and do appreciate everything that those of you have done for Jess, Brooklyn and me.

Soon enough I will be home and I can tell you all of the very inappropriate things that I shouldn't put in writing.

Marine Corps and Navy Birthdays

I hit my second goal weight last week. I haven’t been at this weight since high school which is both phenomenal and sad at the same time. I feel great and I have tried to get to this weight for a very long time. On the flipside, I was a big guy in high school too. Thankfully I am now working on my new weight goal that I want to hit before we go on our cruise in March to the Eastern Caribbean. The work never ends.

Things here are as busy as ever. We basically shut down for two weeks in November because of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day in the same week and then for the week of Thanksgiving. It was just about impossible to get anything to happen during either of those weeks. I am pretty sure that we are making up for that right now. Being able to experience weeks like that first hand has drastically changed my opinion of the work I do back home. The services out here really do sit and wait for answers that basically won’t come for a week. Heaven forbid that there is a legitimate emergency out here. We wouldn’t want to infringe on anyone else’s holiday now would we…

I have gotten to experience both the Navy and Marine Corps birthdays out here and they have been very interesting and drastically different experiences. The Navy Birthday was a pretty classy affair and was pretty tame. The Marine Corps Birthday was over the top and you would have thought that we just won the Revolutionary War. Now granted, I am on a Marine Corps base but in terms of numbers the Navy has the second most people here. Not only that but as the Marines don’t like to be reminded, they are part of the Department of the Navy. Despite the fact that I have not really gotten along with any of the Navy guys out here (except a Master Chief over in Medlog that shares in my misery) they Navy guys are pretty classy and handle themselves professionally. I am not too sure the word professional is in the curriculum to become a Marine.

To illustrate the point, I heard a joke while I was waiting in line for chow. During dinner on the Navy birthday I was standing in line and there were two Marine Corps Chief Warrant Officers (CWO) that were standing behind me in line chatting. One of the CWO’s posed the question, “do you know the best thing about the Navy birthday?” At this point I wasn’t just ease dropping anymore and I turned to them as if I was going to actively participate in the conversation. The other CWO was dumfounded and didn’t have a response. The first CWO said “28 days later the Navy figured out they couldn’t defend themselves and they established the Marine Corps.” Funny…yes. Probably not the most appropriate venue. That would be like going to a kid’s high school graduation and telling them that the best part about them graduating is that they are moving out. Is it probably true? Yes. Is it appropriate? No.

I can’t completely throw the Marines here under the bus because even though some of their officers are completely clueless, the Marines have gone above and beyond to take care of me. The Marines are a unique bunch but I have grown fond of them and would work with them again in the future.