Real AAR

The Department of Defense places a lot of emphasis on completing a Lesson's Learned After Action Report after doing just about anything. Seriously, you could clear a jam in a printer and write one of these things. Since I am nearing the end of my deployment I thought I would write my unofficial AAR. Not to mention that I am traveling and there is only so much time you can spend waiting on planes and staring at a wall.

If you ever want to get the attention of an officer, call them by their first name. Make sure that you address them by their proper rank before leaving as it shows that you were trying to make a point and you still respect them and their place within the Marine Corps. This is extremely effective up until you hit the rank of a Colonel and then it is just disrespectful.

If you ever want to really get under the skin of a Marine, don't wear a hat and walk around with your hands in your pockets. Marines are way too big on tradition and order and the butterfly effect is very noticeable with this group. Starting a trend with Marines is almost as easy as starting a cult. Yeah I think I can do that as well.

Never have a gangster/mob movie marathon over a weekend. All to often you will start to think that you can re-enact the scenes and you have great props laying all around you. Oh wait, those aren't props. They are loaded weapons. This is an accident waiting to happen. Hey, we lived to tell the stories so it couldn't have been that bad....right.

When speaking with a Brit it is completely inappropriate to giggle as they talk. Apparently if you have no idea what they are saying, giggling is rude but having a blank and lost look on your face is appropriate. Aussies are also humorous to talk with but Brits are definitely the funniest. You would think that understanding them is not very difficult given that we all speak English. WRONG! It is very difficult but I am definitely better at it now than I was when I first got here.

There are no attractive British women serving at Camp Bastion. If I hadn't seen or met Brits that were attractive then I would think that they just didn't exist but I assure you they do. That is why if you are ever in Afghanistan, you should visit Kandahar Air Field because there is much better scenery.

If it smells bad, start walking in the other direction. After almost 6 months experience, there is nothing ever positive to following a horrendous smell.

Sex is everywhere on this base. It is definitely against the rules but if they really didn't want it to happen then they would sell so many items in the PX to facilitate the process. By the way, they are always sold out of these products so you have to stay on the ball if you want them.

Warning: this following is extremely sexist even if it can apply both ways. Deployment goggles are a real thing. This can also be referred to at the 3 point boost that women get out here. For example, I used to have a scale of yes or no...you know what I am talking about. There is really no need to have a 10 point scale if it really just boils down to would you or wouldn't you. Out here the 10 point scale is in full effect. If a woman is a 5 back home, she is an 8 out here. It doesn't matter how much you think you love your spouse, this is a very real thing and definitively sets in by month 3. On the flip side, ugly is still ugly. Oh yeah, I am still very much married and faithful and extremely thankful for it.

When an officer has no idea what you are saying you can make up anything and tell them. If you use big enough words then you can call them a moron to their face and they won't know it. Military officers rarely are experts in the area that they manage. This means that rather than beat yourself up over how to tell them that you are right and explain why, just make stuff up. They really don't care anyway. This really sets in by meeting 3 with someone. It sounds callous but it will save you a lot of headaches.

Cigars do not taste nearly as good without some sort of liquid facilitator. That doesn't mean I just ignored all the lovely Cuban's around me. I just wasn't used to it.

The more definition a guy has on his muscles, the small amount of weight he lifts. The converse is true as well. If I guy looks big, he lifts large quantities. Marines don't like to admit it but they don't need all the heavy weights. Most times all of the small weights are being used and everything 50 lbs + is left. That is where I started :)

DLA likes to forget those who are deployed. It is one of those things that surprised me but it is true. That is why I have appreciated and do appreciate everything that those of you have done for Jess, Brooklyn and me.

Soon enough I will be home and I can tell you all of the very inappropriate things that I shouldn't put in writing.

Marine Corps and Navy Birthdays

I hit my second goal weight last week. I haven’t been at this weight since high school which is both phenomenal and sad at the same time. I feel great and I have tried to get to this weight for a very long time. On the flipside, I was a big guy in high school too. Thankfully I am now working on my new weight goal that I want to hit before we go on our cruise in March to the Eastern Caribbean. The work never ends.

Things here are as busy as ever. We basically shut down for two weeks in November because of the Marine Corps Birthday and Veterans Day in the same week and then for the week of Thanksgiving. It was just about impossible to get anything to happen during either of those weeks. I am pretty sure that we are making up for that right now. Being able to experience weeks like that first hand has drastically changed my opinion of the work I do back home. The services out here really do sit and wait for answers that basically won’t come for a week. Heaven forbid that there is a legitimate emergency out here. We wouldn’t want to infringe on anyone else’s holiday now would we…

I have gotten to experience both the Navy and Marine Corps birthdays out here and they have been very interesting and drastically different experiences. The Navy Birthday was a pretty classy affair and was pretty tame. The Marine Corps Birthday was over the top and you would have thought that we just won the Revolutionary War. Now granted, I am on a Marine Corps base but in terms of numbers the Navy has the second most people here. Not only that but as the Marines don’t like to be reminded, they are part of the Department of the Navy. Despite the fact that I have not really gotten along with any of the Navy guys out here (except a Master Chief over in Medlog that shares in my misery) they Navy guys are pretty classy and handle themselves professionally. I am not too sure the word professional is in the curriculum to become a Marine.

To illustrate the point, I heard a joke while I was waiting in line for chow. During dinner on the Navy birthday I was standing in line and there were two Marine Corps Chief Warrant Officers (CWO) that were standing behind me in line chatting. One of the CWO’s posed the question, “do you know the best thing about the Navy birthday?” At this point I wasn’t just ease dropping anymore and I turned to them as if I was going to actively participate in the conversation. The other CWO was dumfounded and didn’t have a response. The first CWO said “28 days later the Navy figured out they couldn’t defend themselves and they established the Marine Corps.” Funny…yes. Probably not the most appropriate venue. That would be like going to a kid’s high school graduation and telling them that the best part about them graduating is that they are moving out. Is it probably true? Yes. Is it appropriate? No.

I can’t completely throw the Marines here under the bus because even though some of their officers are completely clueless, the Marines have gone above and beyond to take care of me. The Marines are a unique bunch but I have grown fond of them and would work with them again in the future.

Thanksgiving Explosions

Thanksgiving here was more of the same. You wouldn’t have known it was Thanksgiving if you didn’t go to the chow hall. That is rather odd because while Eric and I were eating, right in the middle there was a rather loud explosion. Imagine being one of the few individuals that doesn’t have a firearm and everyone around you is a little trigger happy with theirs. When a loud explosion occurs and it is not expected, many Marines go for their weapon and begin to load the magazine. This reaffirms that the military engrains procedures and training into the heads of these Marines and oddly makes me feel good about it. As it turns out there was a rather large controlled detonation that occurred right as everyone was sitting down to eat the Thanksgiving meal. Typically we are warned about such events right before they happen so that we can maintain some semblance of calm and professionalism but that was not the case on Thanksgiving. We got the e-mail that it was going to happen about an hour afterwards. There is nothing like having things like this to remind you where you are.

Here are the details of a controlled det. A controlled detonation is when they take an unexploded ordinance (UXO) and they safely blow it up hence the phrase controlled det. Most times when EOD (Explosive Ordinance Disposal) finds an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) that they can safely transport back to the base, they will do so because we want to run the controlled det to see how big of an explosion these IEDs are causing. Research is always occurring. This is also a great way to remind anyone around us or those that are on base and shouldn’t be, that we are still here and they may want to think twice about doing anything stupid.

We fire rockets that are called HIMARS (High Mobility Artillery Rocket System) and it is phenomenal. If you wait until you hear it, then all you see is the trail of smoke from where it flew up. If you are lucky enough to catch sight of it when it is fired, you are truly in awe of it. It is almost like seeing and hearing an F-22 flyover head. When they are firing one, they will probably fire more. I have seen dozens fired since I have been here and I am still like a kid in a candy store when it happens. Shortly after that I have to make myself remember that the result of the HIMAR is tragic and shouldn’t be celebrated but it is captivating nevertheless. 9 times out of 10 if you are reading about casualties from a rocket attack, it was a HIMAR.

There are firing ranges everywhere at Leatherneck and they are used constantly. Marines here have itchy trigger fingers and they must get a work out either for training or in combat, either will do. Gunfire from an M-16 (the rifle that all junior Marines carry) and an M-5 (the pistol that Marines carry) is rather boring and hardly noticed. When the big guns are being shot, everyone knows. I can actually pick out the differences in gunfire from a .50 caliber to a 40 mm to a 20 mm. Note: faster sounds and fire equal smaller round. All of these weapons can be put on the vehicles that the Marines drive in convoys and anywhere outside the wire. I have yet to hear a .762 mm or a 1.05 mm but these are more commonly on Air Force Gun Ships (1.05 mm) and Helicopters (.762 mm) and I would be shocked if I ever got to hear it. It doesn’t mean that I can’t hope.

Since I have been in Afghanistan, we have experienced the bloodiest months of the war here. I am extremely thankful for what I am about to say but it is also odd. I don’t feel like I am in a warzone. I got to experience a rocket attack on my first night in Afghanistan and that has been it and it wasn’t here at Leatherneck. To read the newspapers and see that the war is getting worse doesn’t seem like reality here at Leatherneck. It does seem like reality for those units that I support at the outlying FOBs (forward operating bases) because they are taking the brunt of the attacks. I am glad that I haven’t had to experience some of those things but it is not what I expected. Reality definitely sets in at the ramp ceremonies and visits to the medical center here. Those are stories for another day though.

So that is what I am thankful for this year. My family, my friends and each one of the devil dogs out here that is ready and willing to make sacrifices that seem foreign to all too many.

Another month has come and gone which leaves only one more month to get through before I get to go home.

Outback and Ayla

Yesterday was rather interesting. Armed Forces Entertainment (please do not confuse them with the USO…more on that in a bit) brought Outback Steakhouse to Camp Leatherneck and the musician Ayla Brown. In the roughly five months that I have been here, this is literally the only form of entertainment that has occurred.

I found it very interesting that Armed Forces Entertainment would allow me to participate in their events. I bring this up because the USO will not let me use their services or participate in their events. We have a USO facility here at Leatherneck and because I am not active duty military, I cannot use their services. Apparently it doesn’t matter that I am an American citizen or that I work for the Department of Defense or that I am deployed to Afghanistan which is an active warzone. I have written the USO about this and receive no response. I can definitively say that I will never be donating any money to the USO.

Outback brought 45,000 pounds of steak with them from the States and more than 40 volunteers to help cook, set up and promote the event. Outback has been doing this once a year since 2002 and it is absolutely free. They are not paid for it and all they get in return is lodging while they are here (not to mention a bunch of good PR). Outback is owned by the same company that owns Carrabbas Italian Grill so we had some Carrabbas food too. The food was amazing. I can’t even begin to describe how good a bloomin’ onion can make someone here feel. I never really understood why little things like this would make a difference but I do now. Outback scored major points with me.

The mission over here is convoluted at best and most times the troops over here really couldn’t tell you why we are here. During the intermission of the concert, Major General Mills (the commanding general of Leatherneck) came up to give a speech to everyone. During speech he gave the microphone to the Outback spokesman. The Outback spokesman made it clear why they are supporting us. The Outback spokesman basically said that 9/11 wasn’t an accident and we are here to bring the fight to them. As long as we are over here, Outback is going to keep coming out to let us know that we are not forgotten and the cause is still supported. Please note, I have taken out the large amount of profanity that accompanied this statement. Whether or not you agree with the statement, it was nice to hear. I liked Outback before but I think I am going to give them a little more business now.

Ayla Brown is a former American Idol contestant and her father is a US Senator from Massachusetts (he won Ted Kennedy’s seat). Her music was average at best but it was nice that she and her band came out. Before the concert began, a Master Sergeant sang the National Anthem while the marines presented the American Flag. It is hard to describe this but I will try. Everyone was standing at attention and saluting the flag while the Star Spangled Banner was being sung. The speakers and amplifiers were purposely turned up so that anyone near Leatherneck would hear it. It literally gave me chills and that is not just because it was 41 degrees outside. Keep in mind that Camp Bastion is a British base and the song was written during a battle between the US and England. There were even a few Brits in the audience. With about 200 years between when it was written and now, it still stings a little bit for the Brits even though we are great allies with them now. This doesn’t even begin to touch on the overtones of blasting it in an active US warzone. It is something that I will never forget. It may be one of those experiences that you just had to be there for.

All throughout the concert there were Marine MPs (military police) all around the staging area for the concert and they had quite a few IED sniffing dogs with them. I was standing near the back, near where a lot of the MPs were, and I witnessed something truly unique. A group of TCNs were coming to enjoy the concert and their IDs were being checked (typical and per policy). All of a sudden a dog started giving his handler the signal that he smelled something. This sign is only given if the dog smells one of the chemicals typically used in IEDs. Needless to say, about 5 MPs tackled this TCN and “subdued” him. In this instance, the individual in question is immediately declared an enemy combatant and rules basically go out the window. This is done without as much as a word being uttered. I have no idea what the result was after they dragged the TCN off. It could have turned out to be nothing. I mean after all most of the TCNs here are tasked with cleaning and things of that nature and any number of chemicals could have been on his clothes. All I know is that I was about 15 feet away from him and when I recognized the situation, I had a simple thought. Oh shit. Nothing more and nothing less. A simple thought that was followed by more expletives sprinting through my head than I thought I knew. Before anyone potentially freaks out you should remember that the stories I tell you are nothing compared to what I don’t tell you. Now you may freak out but remember sometimes you just gotta have faith. Now please channel your inner George Michael and sing the chorus.

Veterans Day

In honor of Veterans Day, I thought it would be appropriate to tell a few stories about the folks that I work with over here.

Most people who know me, know exactly how to answer the question, “do you want the short explanation or the long one?” Unfortunately for some of the Marines that I work with, they don’t know how to answer it. Let me start at the beginning. Quite a few Marines that I work with are pursuing their college education while they are out here. As such, they have assignments that they are always working on and have to turn in for grading. One of the Marines here wants to major in Criminal Justice. Despite my best efforts, I could not dissuade her. There really isn’t much you can do with the degree and CSI won’t be calling you anytime soon for a position.

Regardless, she knows that I have a bachelor’s degree in Criminology and Psychology and asked for my assistance with her paper that she was writing. Two hours later I finished giving her my help. For those of you that have watched Glenn Beck on Fox News (I will pause momentarily for cringing….ok you can stop now), you will notice that he uses a chalk board in just about every show. Replace the chalk board with a white board and you had me. I was able to take a simple psychology question and illustrate how the military can be a bit socialist in nature.

I will trace a brief outline for you, nature vs. nurture turned into socialism vs. democracy which then in turn became practical application of economic theory. I have a unique ability to tie just about anything into a totally different topic. Anyway, I was able to successfully convince a group of Marines that the military is socialist in nature and could threaten the very fabric of American society. Yeah, they are a little too easily led. Don’t worry, I tried to undo the damage by pointing out how the military embraces freedom, social equality and a promotable hierarchy which can call be tied back into democracy and capitalism. By the end of my “lecture” there were 7 Marines listening to me and sadly there was an officer in the group as well. I shudder to think about what I could do if I started my own cult.

Since I have been here, I have encountered a number of rather interesting things that I haven’t seen before. For instance, on my first day at Leatherneck I walked into a room and literally saw a group of Marines measuring their muscles with a tape measure. I have witnessed Marines duck taping another Marine (think being tied down) and then giving him a few shots to the body just because it was his birthday and then to top it off, they shut him in a 20 foot metal container while still taped up. He got out about 5 minutes later.

I think what has topped the chain and blown my mind is the following story. Here at Leatherneck we use port-a-potties to do our business. Some of these facilities have a venting tube that comes out the back and rises up like a chimney would off of a house. This tube is about 10 inches in diameter and it goes directly from the “holding” area of the port-a-potties, straight up in the air. The holding area is filled with a blue liquid that is supposed to disinfect and keep the spread of disease to a minimum. The Marines has these same types of facilities in Iraq and they brought a little tradition with them to Leatherneck. Marines and the Army do not get along. It is basically like oil and vinegar. So they take every opportunity to screw the other over that they can. The Army typically has decent facilities with actual bathrooms so the port-a-potties are not exactly their cup of tea but they use them anyway. When a Marine is able to identify that an Army soldier is using the facilities and is going to be in there for a bit, they find a sizeable rock that can fit down the venting tube and throw it down as hard as they can. The rock will then cause a splash that can only be rivaled by the wave that results from the fat kid that does a cannonball into a pool. The solider will then come out of the john and be soaked with blue liquid and all of the other lovely things that are deposited into a port-a-potty. I laugh every time I see an Army guy that is all blue and pissed off.

These are our Veterans even if you don't want to claim them and on this Veterans Day we salute them.

Animals

Today is my 121st straight day of work without a day off. I work 12 hour days every day except for Sunday and then it is just 8 hours. All enlisted Marines and contractors get a day off every week. I forgot what it was like to work this many days in a row. While I was in college I would often times have 2 or 3 jobs while going to school but even then I was able to line up a weekend every now and then that I could take off. I am pretty sure that is why I got sick. My body just wanted to rest. Not that I did rest as a result but the thought of resting was nice enough.

We have animals all over this base. Most are transported here after they snuck into some of the containers that were shipped over. Most of the cats here are fed by someone and a few even have collars on them now. It doesn’t mean that I am going to be taking them in but it is nice to see that all humanity isn’t lost out here.
One of the IED sniffing docs came into my office the other day. Her name was Rita and she had a hurt paw so she was on light duty. Rita is a German Shepherd mix and she is kind of small for a German Shepherd. IED sniffing dogs are always one rank above their handler and will get promoted as they do. For example, Rita was a Corporal because her handler was a Lance Corporal. These dogs are awarded medals and are treated as Marines. If the handler mistreats the IED dog, then they get NJPed (Non-Judicial Punishment…typically involves loss of rank and pay with extra duties) and can even be court marshaled depending on the offense.

If Rita to were walk by you, you would just see a dog. She walked around the office and loved the attention. Rita stopped so anyone who wanted to pet her could. She had the roughest dog hair/fur coat that I had ever touched. You could tell that she had spent a lot of time outside under the hot sun. When she came next to my area, she licked a few drops of water that had fallen from my bottle of water. So we got a Styrofoam bowl and filled it up. Then we filled it again and again and again. We filled it until three bottles of water were gone. Typically you would have water everywhere but not with Rita. Rita made sure that that bowl was almost as dry after she was done with it as when she started. She was a happy dog after that and she left with her handler to go back to her area with the other IED dogs.

Eric and I have noticed as of late that there seem to be a family of pigeons that are living at Leatherneck. Now I have no idea if they were here before we got here but it would be poetic if our gift to the Afghani’s were pigeons. It’s almost as bad as the Indians giving the early settlers tobacco.

There is a phrase that the Marines love to say and it drives me crazy. Kill bodies. This phrase is used to show affirmation, gratitude and understanding. Occasionally they just say the word, “kill.” Regardless of what they say, it absolutely drives me up a wall. From my view is says a lot about someone who would ever want to brag about that or get excited at the prospect. Most of the times when I hear one of the Marines say it, I remind them that they work in supply and I have more time experienced outside the wire here than they have. They don’t like that very much.

Sickness and Waste

It only took a three and a half months but I got a cold. Dealing with dumb people makes being sick so much worse and unfortunately they seemed to line up to see me today. It’s been a rather long day. So I thought what better to do than to get paid an inordinate amount of money to write a blog post. This is the closest that I will ever get to being paid to write, so why not?

Last night it rained here for the first time since I have been here. It is the first day that I have had with “different” weather. It was a light sprinkling but it lasted for a few hours. If I hadn’t felt like I had just been hit by a truck, I would have gotten up and enjoyed it. Seeing clouds in the sky was almost foreign but it was a nice change.

Yesterday I was on the way to chow with Eric and we saw a truck that had backed up too much and the back axle and tires fell into one of the lovely Marine made ditches that we have all over base. It was slightly humorous. There were a bunch of TCNs and Brits that stopped to take pictures. I felt bad for the guy but I chuckled all the same.

Trying to find something to do with waste is an enormous issue for the deployed folks over here and there is a variety of solutions that have been implemented. In Kandahar (east of me and in the heart of the terrorists), also called KAF for Kandahar Air Field, they have what’s called a “poo pond.” It is just that. A pond filled with human waste. It even has a fountain in it to serve as an attempt to circulate things and encourage evaporation and decomposition. I have never smelt something as awful as the air is at KAF.

I support more units than I can list (30+) and quite a few of them are on outlying bases (also called FOBs which means forward operating base). Most of the FOBs are very basic in nature and rarely have any decent accommodations. For this reason, the use of “wag bags” is wide spread. It doesn’t take a genius to know what a wag bag is. They generally come with the actual back that is used for a container and a wet one in the event that wiping is needed. On occasion these are thrown at the enemy but of course that is not endorsed by DOD and merely uttering the allegation can cause enough issues, but I find humor in it. Wag bags are always a high demand item mostly because the alternative is to dig a hole and pop a squat. That doesn’t sound very appealing either.

Here at Leatherneck we have the port-a-potties. These are some of the most heinous things you could ever imagine. I won’t even get into exactly why they are heinous. Most of them are cleaned out daily and sprayed down with a power washer. If you go in to use one right after it has been sprayed down, it feels like you are popping a squat in a rainforest…or at least I would imagine it would be like that. Now Leatherneck does not have their version of a poo pond. When the base first started, they would dig trenches and it would all flow off base and the local farmers loved it because it was the best fertilizer they have ever had. Well eventually the Marines stopped doing that and angered the locals. Instead, we have grey water and black water.

Grey water is the water that is drained from showers and sinks. Black water is what is taken from the port-a-potties. Black water is taken off site and disposed of in ways and places that I don’t even want to know about. In Iraq they would burn it in the burn pits but in Iraq, they burned everything. Wait a few years for those health related lawsuits to roll in. Grey water though serves a purpose on base. Grey water is continuously spread on all of the streets here and then steam rolled. This is done so that the roads can stay concrete hard (even though they are dirt) and it keeps the dust to a minimum. What disturbs me about this is, how confident are you in a bunch of Marines (and guys in general) not peeing in the shower? I am not at all.

So basically we spread pee and spit all around the base in an effort to control dust and sand. It is amazing that I haven’t been sick long before now.

Ryan's Rant

Before you read this, you should know that this post is filled with incessant complaining.

Working for a Department of Defense agency means that you have a military hierarchical structure. For example, I am a GS-11 (general schedule). There are 15 levels to this system. DOD equates my grade as to the equivalent to a Major which is mid management for officers. The military is well versed in civilian ranks and most are aware that we have a lot of pull in their world. Even though I am a civilian, an Army Brigadier General (1 star) runs my base and a Vice Admiral runs my agency (3 stars). This is so that military can talk to military for large scale planning and organization which then is filtered down to us civilians. If I were to do something insanely stupid, it can make its way all the way up my chain. With that being said, the military places a large emphasis on following the chain of command without skipping levels.

Occasionally you run into people who forget where their place is. This happened yesterday with a 1st Lieutenant (O-2….which is much lower on the totem pole than I). This officer felt the need to send an e-mail regarding my workload to anyone who is important in DLA and the USMC, including my General. Now, this is bad regardless of the truth or intent. What is worse is that I was given no warning regarding this e-mail or even a conversation regarding the topic of discussion. If something of that nature had occurred then I would have been able to brief this Lieutenant that I had already taken care of it and further visibility was unnecessary.

As soon as I received the e-mail, I went to go see the Lieutenant and I provided an update as to what the real situation was. I asked him why he sent that all the way up my chain of command and unfortunately for him, the Lieutenant did not have a good answer. I don’t like to pull rank on people because it is something that should rarely have to be done. This is the first time out here that I pulled rank on someone. It didn’t go well. More on that conversation in a little while.

After my conversation, I immediately sent out a follow up e-mail advising everyone of the current situation and that it was under control and that I had made significant progress on all the issues with a final resolution only days away. Fast forward to this morning and I come into my office to find several e-mails on the topic from all levels of DLA and Marine Corps. Let’s just say it has been a difficult to sit down all day because I don’t think I have much of a rear end left after the chewing that I got. They say that misery loves company right? Well I spread the misery all around today.

One of the e-mails that were sent to me was from a DLA employee who had the tenacity to suggest that I was not doing my job and they were getting the e-mail so that they could correct it. Now this individual is a GS-11 and has absolutely nothing to do with the work that I do out here. This individual is also not in my chain of command. He suggested that I attend a weekly meeting that has absolutely zero value for me or the units that I support. My boss and my bosses’ boss agreed with him without even knowing how this meeting would impact me or the 26 Marine units that I support.

For the first time in my professional life, I tore into two individuals because quite frankly they didn’t know their head from their ass and I thought it was important that they know. I have never made a scene like that because I like to stay professional and level headed. Once you lose your composure it is way too easy to take it further than is required. I like rules and when an individual blatantly disregards them and I have to feel the effects, then I am not a nice person.

Several years from now when classified documents from Operation Enduring Freedom are made public there will be two documents detailing the ass chewing’s that I gave an officer and a DLA employee. I hope that they make all names public too. None of that redacted crap that the government loves to put out.

Sadly, even though I cleared my name with reference to my work load and my ability to get the job done here in Afghanistan, I now have more oversight and another meeting to attend weekly. All of this as a result of someone not following well established policy and protocol. What these two individuals did not realize when they started this chain of events, I have a direct ability to make their lives horrible while I am deployed. Deployed personnel get an incredible amount of visibility and power. Anyone who knows me will tell you that not only will I make their lives horrible but I will get a sadistic pleasure out of it.

Since I have been in Afghanistan I have gotten virtually no support from DLA, only headaches. For example, I will e-mail people within my organization about important issues and I will be ignored, yelled at or responded to literally weeks later. Our philosophy on being here to support the warfighter goes right out the window. It is absolutely amazing that they still find people who are willing to deploy for them. I think my days are limited as a DLA deployer. They may not let me deploy again :)

Ryan’s rant is now over. Have a nice day.

Living at the Gym

Life at Leatherneck does not have much to offer besides work. Most other bases have MWR facilities (Morale, Recreation and Welfare…think pool table, ping pong, etc…) but not here with the Marines. I sit in front of a computer all day and we have a huge TV in our office. After I get back to the tent, I am pretty much tired of computers and movies. That doesn’t mean I don’t watch more movies but it gets old on occasion. So I have basically lived in the gym since I have been here. I am surprised that I don’t have a cot in the back that I can just crash on when I am done working out. I have oscillated between two a days and just one intense session. The result is that I know the TCNs that work in the gym better than I have ever wanted and I have already hit my goal weight that I set before I left.

My wife has never known me at my current weight and I still have plenty of time to improve upon it. Most people would be happy with hitting their goal but not me. I hit my goal and then revised my goal so I still have 15 more pounds to go. Thankfully I have 3 months to hit that goal and by that time I will have probably revised it yet again. My uniforms didn’t fit me so I had to get more sent out. That was a much more painful process than I ever had anticipated but dealing with the government is never easy. I finally got my blouses in and I just got my name tapes sewed on them. If only the trousers would come in too. Let’s just say that when I loosen my belt, they fall off.

I am on a first name basis with the TCNs in the gym and I don’t even have to show my ID anymore. I have successfully converted two of them into fans of the University of North Carolina. One of the shirts that I wear to workout is a UNC shirt (surprise, surprise) and one day a TCN stopped me and was struggling to say, “Michael Jordan?” That started a dialogue that persists every time I walk in the gym. Occasionally I will print out stuff for them to read or pictures they can hang up. They understand about half of it but I will take what I can get.

On the bright side I feel almost comfortable enough around the gym TCNs that I don’t always feel the need to be armed. Watch a movie and pay attention when the good guy/bad guy gets caught and he has to drop all of his weapons. That is basically me and everyone else over here. At any given time I have between two to four implements on my person that can cause serious bodily harm with minimal effort. No I am not talking about the guns that I call muscles. I’ll give you a break for laughter. Anyways, keep in mind that most of the TCNs here wouldn’t hesitate to cause me or any other American bodily harm if they had the chance. I wish that was just a generalization but it isn’t, it’s reality. They call us sir and ma’am because they have to, not because they want to. The looks that TCNs give us say everything. As a result, I stay armed all the time.

The Navy Chief that has been giving me fits since I got here finally moved out of the tent. He made life difficult for everyone in our tent and we basically ignored him so much that he left. An effective technique if I do say so myself. The night he moved out, the mood noticeably improved in the tent. I haven’t sleep that good since I have been here. I am not too sure what it is about the Navy folks here but they are generally miserable and they make life difficult for everyone else. The medical personnel here are Navy, some logistics personnel here are Navy and the Seabees are Navy as well. Maybe they just miss the ocean and hate the desert but whatever it is, I am glad that Chief is gone. Thrilled actually.

Malaria Dreams

Since I am deployed to Afghanistan, I have to take malaria pills which basically give my immune system a jump on malaria in the event that I would get it. I heard a lot of horrific things about these meds before I left. Things like they give you nightmares, they will make you go slightly insane, they will destroy your liver, etc… Not exactly the things you want to hear before you start taking a drug. It was like having the doctor read to me the fine print at the bottom of drug commercials. I had two options, a weekly pill or a daily pill. I chose the daily because I was told that the side effects are less severe and the only drawback is that you have to take them every day. Well I have a small pharmacy with me that I have to tap into everyday so it wasn’t a big deal to add an extra pill.

One of the benefits to taking my malaria pills is that they help your complexion. I am not talking a little help. I have had one zit since I left and that was when I first got here. My skin has been absolutely amazing. If there weren’t other side effects, I would ask for a prescription for it when I get back.

I have no idea if the pills are wreaking havoc on my liver but I will find out when I get home, from both my own physician and the government paid one. Not that I don’t trust the government but I like to be extra careful.

I am pretty sure I haven’t lost it yet but if everyone is taking them over here, then we all may just be crazy together, who knows?

They definitely have had an effect on my dreams though. Not nightmares per se but they have been much more vivid and I remember them just about every night. That is extremely odd for me because I generally don’t remember them. The common thread that I have noticed is called day residue (here is where my generally worthless BA in psychology pays off). Just about everyone has something to do with what I was doing right before I went to bed. Generally I am watching a movie or a TV show on my laptop. This can be both humorous and slightly twisted. Some examples are below.

One night I watched Back to the Future. That night, I had a dream that I was Marty McFly and my grandfather was Doc Brown. What is even odder is that as a kid I thought this could really happen. I mean my grandfather is one of the most intelligent people I know and I was sure he was working up a design for a flux capacitor in his spare time.

For about a month I watched the TV series Bones and I had some pretty jacked up dreams. Not scary like a nightmare but interesting. If you have ever watched the show then you will know that it generally deals with decomposing bodies. It was like I was a detective.

I just finished the TV series Scrubs. That was humorous. Imagine having dreams for a couple of weeks that actually make you chuckle in your sleep. Yes, I can now say that I have woken myself up laughing.

If I only had a season of 24 out here because then the insurgents would be in some real trouble :)

A common thread throughout all of it is that my mood the next day is definitely impacted to varying degrees based off my dreams or at least my quality of sleep. I think I am going to stick with dumb comedy from now on. Maybe I am going slightly crazy.

Odds and Ends

There have been several interesting things that have happened to me since I have been here that are not big enough for a post so I am going to put them together.

I tend to spend a lot of my free time around the flight line. It is one of those scenarios where you can become entranced with watching the helicopters and planes take off and land. If you haven’t had the fortune of seeing this with the military then you are really missing out. It sends chills up my spine every time I see one coming in or leaving with guys who are ready to make a sacrifice that 99% of the world wouldn’t make. Nevertheless, one day I was driving by and I was talking to the other DLA rep, Eric. All of a sudden I hear a noise and Eric says, “Oh shit, look out.” I had just enough time to turn and look before it was over. An Apache Longbow (the helicopter in the picture above) just took off hot (really fast) and it was about 30 feet above us. I almost had to change my pants. It was one of the coolest things that I have ever seen/felt.

Another time I was over at the flight line getting ready to pick someone up. I walked into the terminal to check the flight status and there were 9 detainees that were handcuffed, shackled and there were black bags were over their head. Immediately next to each detainee were two heavily armed Marines. Seriously, I have never felt safer in my life while being so close to terrorists. Okay, suspected terrorists. This is America after all. I definitely may have uttered a few negative things that were directed their way. You could tell they understood enough because the Marines asked us to stop after a few phrases. They were smiling when they said it though. I chatted with the OIC (officer in charge) and he gave me some intel on the situation after he verified my clearance. It was the first time that I have been told classified information that I actually thought should be classified.

I smoke a cigar each Sunday and in order to do so, I have to go to the smoke shack. Since that basically makes me feel scummy (sorry to any smokers), I stand right next to it. Most nights around here will bring out someone with a guitar and they mostly like to congregate around the smoke shack. One particular night they also brought out a guy with some bongos. After about 20 minutes of listening to this individual butcher a few songs, I told him he was no longer allowed to play them unless he did it correctly. After a few obscenities were uttered, he let me show him how to play them. Once upon a time, I was a band geek…but I played drums. That gave me street cred back in the day. Anyway, so I should this Marine how to actually play them. Please note if your hands hurt, then you are playing them incorrectly. After another song, the guitarist asked me if I wanted to join in. Why not? So I did. I got to jam to a few songs and I left before I overstayed my welcome. Now every time I walk by, he asks if I want to join in.

Being out here means that work and personal time are blurred. We talk about work at the wrong times and share war stories at inappropriate times. Fun times in Afghanistan. One night at chow, Eric and I were talking about some difficulties we were/are encountering in getting MRAP and MATV parts in. Side note, MRAP = Mine Resistant Ambush Protected vehicle and MATV is MRAP all terrain vehicle…these save our troops lives every day. If I was paying attention a little bit more, I would have noticed that a couple of Marine Corps Generals were walking by and sat behind us at the VIP table (a one star and a two star). After a few minutes they overheard what we were talking about and stopped us on our way out. They inquired about whom we worked for and wanted some intel on what issues we were encountering. I have never briefed a General before but my problem with that particular vendor was solved within a day or two and I don’t think it because I killed them with kindness.

USMC for Dummies

Being in the military and working with the military involves being immersed into a culture that is unique. The Marines have their own verbiage for everyday items and if you don’t know what they are talking about then you are truly lost. Every now and then there is a sympathetic member of the military that will take you under their wing and teach you the language. Thankfully, I found those individuals who were willing to give me the required lessons for Marine speak.

To make matters worse, I work in the supply and logistics area and this area has its own nomenclature that you have to learn. For example, the item that you screw into a light fixture is called a light bulb. In supply speak it is referred to as an incandescent bulb.

Here are some of the words that I encounter everyday that now I not only use but I understand.

Skivvy shirt – This is a green undershirt/t-shirt that Marines are required to wear. This is visible when they are wearing the uniform.

Blouse – This is the uniform top. Some people would call this a button down or top but the Marines refer to it as their blouse.

Trousers – This is the uniform bottoms. They are not called pants or slacks. Trousers is the only acceptable word.

Silkies – These are the shorts worn by all Marines when they are engaging in physical activities like running and working out. They are called this because they can either be the best thing you have ever seen on someone or they look like Magic Johnson and Larry Bird did in the NBA during the 1980’s. This is the best part about going to the gym. Oh wait, I am married. So it is a huge distraction and they should change it. Silkies work for woman, not men. Maybe one day they will change their standards slightly to allow men to cover up more of their legs.

Cover – This is their primary hat. This has a bill on the front of it.

Boonie – This is an alternative hat that they can wear and it looks like the hat the Gilligan wears on Gilligan’s Island or that which a fisherman would wear. I also wear one of these but I am a nerd.

Cami’s – This is how the Marines refer to their combat uniform if they are referring to it as a set but not individually. If they are referring to any item individually it is a blouse or trouser.

Boot Blousers – These are little straps that they wrap around their boots (or just above the boot, depending on the Marine) and they tuck the bottom of their trousers underneath this so that it forms a uniform seal around their leg. Note: Marines do not tuck their trousers into their boots like the Army does. They find this repulsive and thing that you don’t know what you are talking about.

Dress Blues – This is the formal Marine Corps uniform and it worn at any formal ceremony. They use a boatload of starch on these at the dry cleaner and having any sort of wrinkle or unnecessary crease is very taboo. Remember, the USMC requires Marines to look the part at all times. If you are sloppy then you won’t be in the Marine Corps for long.

Blood Stripe – This is what Marines have to earn when they get promoted to the rank of Corporal (E-4/Enlisted Rank 4). At this point the Marine is a Non-Commissioned Officer and has more responsibility and leadership. On their dress blues, Marines will get a red stripe that goes down the length of their trousers. When a Marine is promoted to Corporal, they get this stripe. Every other Marine will physically strike the newly promoted Corporal in the thigh so that they “earn their blood stripe.” This Corporal will be very sore and tender for a few days because other Marines in their unit will make them feel like they don’t want to walk ever again. This is an initiation rite and of course is banned by the DOD and USMC.

Blanket Party – This is when Marines will take disciplinary matters into their own hands and they will put a blanket over the head of a Marine who is not up to par and they will strike the Marine repeatedly until they feel that the Marine has learned a valuable lesson. This is also banned by the DOD and USMC.

Chevron – This is the part of the Marine insignia that signifies their rank. This is worn on their collar. This looks like a wide, upside down V. The more you have, the higher your rank. For example, no chevron means Private, one chevron is Private First Class, one chevron with two rifles crossing underneath it mean Lance Corporal, two chevrons with the rifles is Corporal and three chevrons with the rifles is Sergeant.

Rocker – As with a chevron, this is the bottom part of their rank (if they are high enough). Marines with rockers will have all of the chevrons and rifles and this looks like a half circle and it connects upward to the chevron. The more that you have, the higher your rank is. For example, one rocker is a Staff Sergeant, two is a Gunnery Sergeant, and three is a Master Sergeant. The highest rank is Master Gunnery Sergeant or 1st Sergeant and that has something completely different.

High and Tight – This is what they call their haircut. Marines don’t say they are going to the barber or they are getting their hair cut. They will say they are going to get a high and tight.

AGDAG or PAX – This is what they call the airport on a military base. Never call it the airport. Flight line is also another acceptable phrase.

Chow – This describes where you are going. You are going to chow, not breakfast, lunch or dinner. You are going to eat. You are going to chow.

Field Meet – This is like a big field day that is a competition. This is mainly done for morale and PT.

PT – This is physical training. Working out is not the same as PT if you ask the Marines.

Rifle – Never call it a weapon or a gun. It is a rifle.

Magazine – This is what Marines place into their rifle and holds bullets. Never call this a clip.

Marine – This is a title of honor and it is earned. Once a Marine, always a Marine. Never call a Marine a soldier. Seriously, bad things might happen to you if you do.

Good to go – This is the most overused phrase in the USMC and it has a variety of meanings. Sometimes it means you understand what was said. Sometimes it means you will take action. Sometimes it means shut the !@#$ up. This is paramount to the phrase “forget about it” as it was explained in the movie Donnie Brasco. Or possibly the F word. This is extremely versatile.

You now know more than you ever wanted to know about the Marine Corps. Most of this was learned the hard way over the past two months but once you speak their lingo, you are good to go.

New Digs

Life here is steadily improving. Our work building is complete and we moved in so now I don’t have everyone in my office right behind me looking at what I am doing. Soon enough we will have real office furniture too but until then we will have to use our desks that double as flip cup tables.

After 5 weeks of living out in the open, I now have my own living space that is sectioned off from the rest of the tent. It is amazing that spending $20 with AAFES will give you enough material to complete enclose a living space and a rug. I would love to know what their profit margins are.

Before I deployed, I actually felt sympathy for active duty military members because they do not get paid very much. Then I learned about all the extras that they are provided with. They have one sweet deal. You won’t get rich but you are definitely not poor. I have been shocked to find out how many of these Marines spend an inordinate amount of money on cars. The vast majority of them drive brand new cars. Now we are not talking about a Chevy or Ford. They have BMWs, Lexus’, Cadillac, Lincoln, etc… On a side note, they also all rent houses or apartments and don’t really have a savings to speak of. I tried to explain that when they buy a nice car like that and then spend an additional 10 to 15 thousand dollars on it in upgrades and add-on’s, they are literally throwing money away. That advice fell on deaf ears.

We were close to having a sandstorm all week. I woke up each morning and made my way over to the head and it was a bit nippy outside and it looked like there was fog everywhere. The fog was really sand blowing everywhere. Unfortunately the wind never kicked up enough to cause a sandstorm but visibility has been down to about 50 yards all week.

I have known for quite some time that I am a difficult person to live with (ask Jess, Chris, Brad and Andy) but I think I have tried to always be courteous. One of the individuals in my tent is less than courteous and I felt the need to tell him that. Now this individual is a Navy Chief and he has 26 years in the Navy. Basically he is middle management and he is kind of bitter about it because he is at the end of his career. Now Chief thought it would be a good idea to put his hands on my stuff and move it without my knowledge. Anyone who knows me would know that this is not a good idea. Chief dodged me for the better part of a day and then finally I found him. Chief tried to tell me how he was right and I was wrong but rather quickly into the conversation I unleashed on him. Needless to say, he hasn’t talked to me since that conversation, he hasn’t touched anything that is mine and he conceded that he was in the wrong to everyone but me. Chief really didn’t like it when I pointed out to him that everyone in the tent outranks him but one person. I guess, there is something about a 26 year old outranking him that really got his blood pressure up.

One of the unique things about being out here is that I share my tent with a guy named Richard, Jim and Eric. That is unique to me because my grandfathers name is Richard, my father’s name was Jim and my brother’s name is Eric. Even more ironic, I am currently working with a guy from Columbus, a girl from Grosse Point Farms and a guy from the metro Detroit area. That is unique because I live in Columbus, my aunt and uncle live in Grosse Point Farms, and I am from the metro Detroit area (ok…so it is way metro but it counts). Being all the way across the world in a third world country is odd but to have people around that I can talk to about home (all the places that I have lived) is truly unique.

Tax Dollars

I was able to post more pictures. As I said before it is a tedious process so I have to upload them in small increments. Last time I uploaded them on Facebook, I lost my internet connection and had to start over. Yes, this is how your tax dollars are being spent.

There are all sorts of idiosyncrasies here that you have to get used to. For example, we have a bunch of DOD contractors on base and they are charged with completing various tasks. Most of the contractors on base are merely here for supervisory purposes because we hire TCNs for everything else. I found this odd because all you hear about on the news is that Defense Contractors are creating jobs during this down economy. If they were to replace half of the TCNs with American citizens, unemployment would drop at least a half of a percent. I am sure the parent company is making money hand over fist but the rest of our tax dollars are going to other countries. I am sure we are paying them a great wage compared to what they can get at home but it is less than minimum wage. I wonder what our Democratic leaders have to say about that.

As you can see from the picture above, DLA (Defense Logistics Agency) provides us with transportation while we are here. Needless to say, it is a POS but it gets us around. To rent this lovely vehicle, DLA pays $1100 per month! To make matters more complicated, the company that rents us vehicles is owned by an Afghani warlord. So to sum it up, NATO is here to stop insurgents from being insurgents and yet we are providing them with a lot of money so that we can rent their vehicles. Now I am not a politician or a military strategist but something about providing the enemy money just doesn’t sound right with me.

There are literally thousands of Hummers on this base that are sitting in a huge parking lot waiting to be shipped home because the Marines are not allowed to drive them outside the wire. This is because a Hummer can withstand an IED blast about as well as Paris Hilton holds up in jail, not very well. Now it would make sense to let everyone on the base drive these Hummers so that we are not renting vehicles from Afghani warlords. Instead we are just waiting to ship them home. More of our tax dollars well spent.

The water over here is a little suspect so the DOD purchases a phenomenal amount of bottled water. Imagine using a bottle of water for everything you do with water (except shower). That is what it is like here. I go through at least 12 a day. Now multiply that by the thousands of Marines that are here. Yeah that is a lot of water. I am surprised that a better system doesn’t exist.

Things happen here that don’t in the US or basically every civilized country. I am convinced that if I ever get cancer, this deployment will be why. We burn everything here. If it is garbage or waste, we burn it. Now the burn pit is not located off the base, it is on the southern edge of the base. That means when they light up the burn pit, we all smell it, breathe it and feel it. When you are around a camp fire, ash falls on you. Now imagine that you are burning “waste” and it falls on you. Yeah, that is disgusting. Sadly you actually start to get used to the smell after a bit. Not always though.

Our new work building is officially complete and we are just waiting on the inspection. Hopefully we will move in on Monday or Tuesday. It is going to be nice to have some sort of privacy. I chuckle everyday because the people around me do not have a security clearance and yet I have to look at classified stuff every day and my computer is in plain sight of everyone.

I have been doing two a days at the gym and that has helped make time go faster. Hopefully it continues to fly.

I am still plowing through the DVDs that I brought and I may have overestimated how many I would need over here. An ironic thing about the government is that they prosecute individuals for sharing music and movie files but yet every Marine on this base has an external hard drive full of those items and they share it with anyone who asks. I started with about 3,000 songs when I got here and now I have about 17,000 songs. That would be one heck of a lawsuit.

Normalcy

I finally uploaded some pictures onto Facebook. I had to do it a backdoor way but that just makes it all that much better (for the record I was going to say funner there but that isn’t a word).

I made the mistake of working out with Sgt Cuellar (Quay-ar) here and I was feeling the after effects for several days after. For some strange reason I am actually considering going back tonight for another round. I eat dinner and play basketball with Sgt Cuellar so he finally convinced me that working out with him would be beneficial to me. I didn’t realize until after I agreed to the workout that Marines can be pretty sadistic.

I am finally getting into a routine here and I actually have more time for sleep now, not that I get the sleep but I have the time for it.

Being here means that my reality and concept of normal has to change or else I will most likely lose my mind. When I am home the idea of normal is to wake up, shower, get dressed, go to work, come home and hang out with the family, eat, play and sleep. Here it isn’t all the different except for the hanging out with family part. The differences are in the details.

Sleep requires you to filter out sounds of 9 other people in the tent, helicopters landing to drop the Bahraini soldiers off at their complex right next to us and blocking out every spring in the mattress because they are all poking you.

Showering requires wearing shower shoes, taking Navy showers, being naked in front of 8 to 12 other guys, and then putting on flip flops to walk the 300 yards back to your tent. By the time you get back you are almost as dirty and as sweating as when you started the process. This doesn’t even touch the concept of not flushing a toilet and being used to it.

Brushing your teeth requires a bottle of water because you don’t want to chance using the local water. If you do, you may get some Afghani revenge.

Going to work involves walking in the moon dust and getting there covered in a fine dust that isn’t quite sand but it isn’t dust either. Every step brings a cloud of red grime right under you.

Coming home typically involves driving over a “speed bump” that is really just the track of a tank that has been taken off, chopped up and laid in the middle of the dirt path.

Eating involves shuffling around with 300 Marines, civilians and contractors for the same food that you had last week only to realize that nothing changed from the week before.

The concept of play and free time is similar except that each and every one of use has the mouth of a sailor and occasional wrestling matches break out from nowhere.

Repeat.

So if you don’t get used to the fact that you can’t take a 15 minute shower and drink the water or that you can’t just decide to order Chinese for dinner, you will literally drive yourself crazy. In the month that I have been here I have seen it. People who refuse to adjust to what is now normal. Those people are miserable and occasionally try to force the military to send them home via a failed suicide attempt. I have seen two such occasions since I have been here.

I now understand why people may have difficultly going home or leaving this. I didn’t before but I do now. When you spend enough time here, you will lose your concept of what normal is and how you should act as a regular part of society. I have met people here who have been deployed since Bosnia. For those of you who don’t know, that is a very long time.

Thankfully I am only here for 6 months and I think Jessica would divorce me if I stopped flushing the toilet.

Speech Therapist

The Marine Corps is badly in need of a speech therapist.

You must wonder why I would mention it. The title Sergeant is widely used in the Marine Corps and the Army for enlisted members. In the civilian, world people will commonly abbreviate it as Sarge. This is a big faux pa in the military and a huge sign of disrespect. I could handle that part.

The part that I find absurd is that no one actually annunciates the word sergeant. In the Marine Corps you have Sergeant, Staff Sergeant, Gunnery Sergeant, Master Sergeant and Master Gunnery Sergeant. That means that there is a large portion of Marines that have these titles and there is an even larger number of subordinates that are required to address them by their rank. It is not only accepted but it is encouraged. For instance, Master Sergeant is commonly referenced by uttering “Ma Sagent.” That is enough to drive someone insane if heard enough.

I was informed today that one of the officers that I work with was briefing the Commanding General of Leatherneck and somehow my area of operations came up and then my name came up. While I am flattered that the CG knows who I am, I could also do without the high visibility with important people. There is way too much of my job that is outside of my control so if I look good or bad depends on a lot of other people and that is a lot of variation for a high visibility profile.

I finally got WIFI access on base and the signal is about as useful as a box of rocks. I also have boxes of rocks if you like those. The problem is that there is so much metal on base that it interferes with the signal. We have barriers all over base that are called T-Walls. They are just like medians in the middle of the freeway but much bigger. They are between 8 and 16 feet tall. These T-Walls have metal lining the inside of them to give them stability (they are supposed to help people survive explosives detonating in close proximity). With that being said, I still have found a couple of spots on base that I can get a signal but they are nowhere close.

Before I came to Leatherneck I thought I didn’t have modesty. I mean I am the sort who will freely moon anyone that comes by, will break a bed with his mother-in-law and has no filter when speaking. Leatherneck has shown me just how modest I am. Guys here will walk around naked without a thought in the world. For a military that has a don’t ask, don’t tell policy…you just have to wonder.

Most people here use chewing tobacco which on the nastiness scale is right above being a mortician. There are spit bottles everywhere and it is slightly amusing when the Marines grab the wrong bottle. Disgusting yes, amusing definitely.

Since I have been here I have walked in on Marines literally measuring their muscles and wrestling just to see who can take the other one down but I have learned something about Marines. Marines fall into two different categories, grunt and POGs. Grunts are the Marines that fit the stereotype of Jarhead or whatever other nomenclature that you would like to ascribe to them. POGs are “people other than grunts” which is basically everyone who provides support services and administrative functions for the grunts. I work with POGs but we get grunts that come in everyday and it is our goal to screw with them to see just how many lights are on upstairs. Today we had a grunt going on for 10 solid minutes before we had to give in and tell him that we were just messing with him. There is a benefit to everyone carrying a weapon around here because no one wants to be the first one to use it.

See the 2nd amendment is a good thing, just ask the locals.

One Month Down

I will never grasp the concept of time creeping slowly but moving fast. I have been gone for a month now and every day seems long but yet it has been a month and it barely feels like I left.

Today a couple of Marines left the SMU to go to a nearby base to set up supply operations. The Sergeant that I was talking to has been here two weeks and we have become friends. He told me that every time a convoy leaves Leatherneck and goes to this particular base, they get attacked. He told me that it is always a combination of IEDs and insurgent snipers. The past three have had some negative results for the Marines here. I asked him why he was going on the convoy instead of flying. The Sergeant told me that it was the only way to make sure that the supply items were going to get to where they needed to be. He didn’t even bat an eye at the fact that he knew within the next 72 hours he was going to be attacked. If it even fazed him that he may not be alive to see the end of next week, I will never know. It was a sobering moment. He is supposed to call me when he gets there so I can send more stuff his way. I pray that he does.

I turned down my real living quarters. The living space came with a bunch of ruled that I would rather do without and I declined the offer. I actually like my tent and everything it has to offer.

I have made my way over to the flight line several times since I have been here and I could sit all day and watch planes and helicopters come and go. You can always tell how things went on the mission based on how fast they are coming in. Most times it is easy going but at least once a day it is not and that is when that hard lump forms in your throat because you know something went wrong. Thankfully we haven’t had River City in over a week. River City is when communication goes down base wide because of a Marine death.

A generous donation was made to AAFES (the PX which means the store on base) on behalf of the Holstine Family for a new iPod touch. I wonder if I can write that off as a business expense. After a week without it, I thought I was going to go crazy. I never realized how much I enjoy listening to music while I work. Especially since my work can be very boring work that a trained monkey could do with the correct coloring of some buttons and a banana dispenser as a reward. For those psych majors that is called conditioning.

This week I played basketball with the Marines twice and I played decently. The first time we played there were 10 enlisted Marines, 1 officer and me. Well not one of the enlisted Marines wanted to guard the officer so somehow they thought I was qualified. The enlisted Marines especially liked it when I started talking trash to the officer while we were playing. The officer actually said he enjoyed playing with a civilian because it adds a new element and it brings a change of pace. Let’s just say this wasn’t the first time on this trip that I made an officer operate outside of the established military element. It won’t be the last either.

Another gift made its way into my possession via the USMC. This one I can’t discuss but it is similar to the first….but very different. There are benefits to working in the supply field. We get first crack at all the good stuff :)

I forgot what it was like to come in when the sun is coming up and leave when it is going down. I have no idea how I did this in college. It has been 30 days straight of 12 hour days and the days truly do blend together. I actually look forward to sleep more than anything.

I went over to the Danes PX and made a purchase for myself and my father-in-law…now I just have to figure out a way to ship them home so that the package actually makes it to its destination. Hopefully the US embargo with a tiny island country to our south will end one day so I don’t have to tread carefully through the system.

It has been very eye opening to read headlines versus what actually happens. I think I have lost faith in the news media in all forms. Yes Fox News, even you too. We get a paper called Stars and Stripes on base every day (it is typically a day or two behind) and when I read articles about what is supposedly going on in Afghanistan, I am utterly shocked. It is glaringly apparent that news nowadays is more commentary and speculation than actual news. Let me just clarify something for you, the way we are building on this base and over at Camp Bastion (the Brits), there is absolutely no way that we are leaving anytime soon. All the politicians and the voters can take that to the bank. If you have a plan to withdraw in a relatively short time frame, you don’t build real buildings or pour 12 inch thick foundations or keep making plans to expand the base. Those are just the things I can actually report while keeping my job.

Man Love Thursday

DISCLAIMER: This contains sexual references and may be offensive to some. It is not intended any way to stereotype any person, religion or race.

“Man Love Thursday.” I got to experience my second one this week. I was so shocked and interested that I thought I would share.

No, I am not referencing a bromance or a guy’s night out. I am referencing something that our TCNs engage in. Most of our TCNs come from the surrounding countries and most of the surrounding countries have a heavy Muslim population. Within the Islamic faith, Friday is a day of prayer. While I was aware of this prior to my deployment, I never really thought a lot about it. More on this in a moment.

On my first full day at Leatherneck was Tuesday and one of the first things that I heard was that I got here in enough time to experience “Man Love Thursday.” Given that I was running on about 6 hours of sleep in the previous 94 hours, I didn’t think twice about it after my initial chuckle. Then Thursday comes. Suddenly I begin to notice things around the base that just don’t seem right. TCN men are being a little more affectionate towards each other. Holding hands, a swat on the butt every now and then and just generally hanging on each other.

Fast forward to this week. I was talking with some of the Marines and they were explaining to me that it is not unusual on Thursday nights to walk into a TCN tent and find them engaged in sexual acts. Sexual acts with other men. This was discovered but not initially by walking in on them, rather because some of the men needed medical attention the next day. I didn’t know what to say. For the first time in a long time, I was speechless.

So I set out to find out if this was true or not. I work at the SMU (Supply Maintenance Unit) and on the SMU lot there are the MedLog people who are in charge of ordering medicines and medical supplies. As a result, they have pharmacists and nurses on rotation in the MedLog office just to make sure the correct items and dosages are being ordered. I was chatting with two of the nurses and I asked them. They confirmed what I had been told. According to the two nurses I spoke with, around 8 to 12 TCNs come in every Friday with some sort of tearing. Yes, in the place that you are thinking of right now.

The Marines joke that because of “Man Love Thursday” they need to have a full day of prayer on Friday.

I have gotten my first illness out of the way, or mostly out of the way. Some type of stomach issue has gotten hold of my system and is starting to let go. Thankfully yesterday wasn’t as hot as it could have been and spending most of the day in the hot box wasn’t as unbearable as I thought.

My new office is finished and we are moving in this week. The commanding officers moved in their new office yesterday and it will slowly trickle down to us peons. I also find out about my new housing this week. I went by and saw it yesterday and it is really nice. It is almost like an apartment that you would find in the states. This week is shaping up to be a very busy week but it should help boost morale around here quite a bit.

My iPod Touch was stolen this week. I narrowed it down to when I went to lunch on Wednesday and it either fell out of my pocket and someone picked it up or they just took it off my desk. I am not too sure which one but it doesn’t really matter. I haven’t decided if I am going to get a new iPod or just an MP3 player. The reason being is that when I get home, I am getting a new iPhone so an iPod could be overkill.

The Marines continue to take me under their wing everyday and now I am playing cards once a week with some of the Junior Marines. I find humor in the fact that everyone here (officers, senior enlisted and junior Marines) seem to think that because I am not a Marine that they can gab about anyone and everyone with me. I know more dirt on these Marines than I ever wanted to know. It does make it more interesting when I see them interact with each other and I get a nod or a look that signifies that I really know what is going on or that they expect some sort of sympathy from me.

I read in the paper that the fireworks display that I witnessed may have killed quite a few Afghani civilians. While I hope that is not true, it was unique to have viewed what they were referencing first hand (at least the launching part). All is safe here at Leatherneck, at least we are launching things and they don’t dare come to us. I kind of like it that way.

In The Rear

We all know that I never grew up from my adolescent self and I find things humorous that most mature adults wouldn’t. So when I got to Leatherneck I kept hearing the phrase “in the rear.” The phrase isn’t necessarily the juvenile part. The juvenile part comes when I start snickering when it is used like, “shit like that only happens in the rear” or “they really like when that happens in the rear.”

I mean seriously, how can I not at least crack a smile when phrases like that are uttered. In military speak, the phrase in the rear is used when a deployed unit or individual is referencing the United States. So when someone says “shit like that only happens in the rear” they really mean “that is a policy that is only applicable while you are in the United States.” I still chuckle like a teenager.

I gave my laundry to the TCN’s to do and I got it all back. Even in a timely manner. It was a good thing too because for some strange reason the military only issues four pairs of socks. I am not a math major but I am pretty sure that there are seven days in a week and I have to work all of them so I am not too sure how four pairs of socks and uniforms are supposed to last me all week. Oh wait, either do laundry a lot or wear them multiple times…yeah we all wear them multiple times before washing them.

I was driving around base the other night and I looked up in the sky at one point and I saw a lot of red dots moving across the sky. After a moment I realized that those red dots were dozens of rockets being fired from Leatherneck at some unknown location. This happened for 5 solid minutes and it not only made me smile (I know that is slightly sadistic) but it also looked like a fireworks show. That was definitely the most expensive fireworks show that I have ever seen.

Apparently I am making a good impression here because one of the Marines that I work with gave me a gift. This Marine gave me what is called a Gerber. This is a military issued knife that all Marines carry and you can imagine what the useful intent is. The individual that I work with (who is a Marine…remember there are no former or ex-Marines) said that a gift like that is a huge token and I have apparently done something right.

For some strange reason I decided to run 3 miles the other day and every bone in my body felt it but I thought it would have been awkward if I stopped and the 57 year old guy I was running with didn’t. What’s even worse is that I have repeated it each day since.

I should be moving into a real office either at the end of this week or the beginning of next. Real walls and a concrete floor, it is the little things that make a world of difference. Since the IT department has been working on getting my new office wired, getting my Wi-Fi set up has been at the bottom of their to-do list.

Note to self: there are two places that you should joke about bombs, airports and active warzones.

Made it to Leatherneck

I am at Camp Leatherneck and it is a very interesting place. After I left Kuwait I stopped in Kandahar for a day and then over to Camp Leatherneck. I got to fly on both a C-17 and a C-160 which was slightly terrifying. Both planes are cargo planes but they have makeshift seating for passengers. The problem is that you are literally shoulder to shoulder with everyone, wearing body armor and helmets and the seats shift two inches to the front and back depending on how the plane is moving.

Needless to say we didn’t have the amenities that a regular plane would have. The temperature in the plane changed depending on how high in the air we were and there was at least 15 to 25 feet of empty space above us (depending on the plane). We finally arrived at Camp Bastion (the British base right next to Leatherneck) at 1:00 am. After stopping at midnight chow, we finally made it to our tent.

On the way out of Kandahar I got to experience a rocket attack on the base and our overwhelming response to it. I am pretty confident we used more muscle than we needed to but I am sure the insurgents did not make it.

Leatherneck is not bad at all. Before I got here I heard a lot about how bad it would be but it has shown to be the exact opposite. I live in a tent, work in a tent, use porta potties and have to take a Navy shower (get wet, turn off water, soap up, turn on water and rinse, turn off and get out). It is unique that I have zero control on temperature or water pressure but that is all part of the experience.

The AC here is phenomenal. While I am in my office or in my tent I actually get cold. The Marines here are amazing. They are so accommodating and I have a ton of fun with them. I definitely hear more profanity than I ever have and for once I am not the primary cause of it. My mouth is actually pretty clean compared to some of the things that I have heard. Even though Marines get a bad reputation because they can do some pretty dumb things, the vast majority are extremely intelligent. I have had a boatload of intellectual conversations. Yeah, I was shocked too.

I have apparently impressed the Marines enough that they are getting me some of the Marine clothes that are part of their uniform. I won’t get their uniform but the little things like socks, undershirts, belts and things of that nature. According to the guy that I am working with from my agency, that is a very good sign. There is a lot of laughter during the day but we get things done.

I found out that it is inappropriate to address those in the enlisted ranks as sir or ma'am. Apparently that is reserve just for the officers so I have had to take a crash course in the Marine rank insignia. I am pretty darn proficient now.

The only bad thing about Leatherneck (and I have been told that this is true of all bases over here) there are a lot of third country nationals (TCNs). These are individuals who are not Afghani or American and they have come here to work. That is not the bad part. The bad part is what they do in porta potties. Basically is a custom for a lot of Muslims to do all of their business standing up….and their aim sucks. So you have to be very selective as to which one you use.

The days have been long but they have gone by quickly. I have seen a variety of things here that I never thought I would. I have a ton of pictures and as soon as my Wi-Fi is up I will upload them.

Maine, Shannon and Kuwait

I have finally made it to Kuwait and it is very hot. It is like taking a blow dryer and turning it on high while holding it 6 inches from you face...all the time. With that being said, it isn't that bad. When a country gets blown up they will tend to have new things like roads and buildings. I suppose I can thank Saddam for that.

I have been up for the better part of 60 hours and it looks like I will hit 72. Sleep has been very difficult at every stop but hopefully I will make it to my "bed" soon so that I can rest up. We made a couple of stops on the way over and the first was in Bangor, Maine. I have never been to Maine before and it was beautiful. When we got there we were met by a huge USO group and as we walked into the airport they clapped and shook all of our hands. I have never been that flattered in my life. They had free cell phones to use so that you could call home and they had all sorts of snack and books for us to take with us. It was nice to be treated so well and I believe that the USO will be getting a donation from me.

Our next stop was in Shannon, Ireland and it was also fantastic. I kept talking to the workers in the airport just so I could hear them talk. It took everything in me not to say, "Top of the morning to ya." And we wonder why people are not that fond of us :) The coolest thing that I saw in Shannon was at the main bar (which I did not order from....seriously, it killed me but I didn't). At this bar there was a machine that had a dozen different bottles of whiskey on tap so that the bartenders could easily dispense whiskey. I was in heaven and couldn't partake! I know where I will be going on vacation in the next few years.

Our last stop was in Kuwait and we flew across Europe and down through Saudi Arabia and briefly over the Persian Gulf (which is absolutely gorgeous). We flew into Kuwait City and then bused over to Ali Al Salem (A-le-a-sa-leem...that is the phonetic pronunciation). I got to experience my first convoy! It was exciting but I am hoping it will be my last convoy. We were taken from Kuwait City by bus and we had a convoy with us so that we were safe and secure. And we were. Kuwait hasn't been that bad besides the heat. It is definitely sandy and rocky but thankfully I am going to be departing here in the next couple of hours for an even worse place. It still boggles my mind that I step outside and I see troops taking off in a helicopter and they are hanging out so that they can jump down at a moments notice. This has been a very humbling experience thus far and very eye opening. I have a new appreciation for what our troops do and I haven't even gotten to Leatherneck yet.

I have a boatload of pictures. Some I was allowed to take and others I was not. I will post some on Facebook but if you want to see them all then you will have to come over when I get back. For the first time I can say that I can't do something because of national security reasons.

Military = Inefficient

Today proved what I already knew. The military is inefficient in administrative duties. This does not reflect on their primary mission which is to defend the US and interests of the US because the military does that extremely well.

On Tuesday we went through medical and I received a Hepatitis B vaccination. While I was there I insisted to every medical person that I needed to get my Smallpox and Antrhax vaccinations because I am going to Afghanistan. Despite my various pleas, they claimed I did not need these. Well lo and behold, I did. So today I went to get them. I would think that getting two shots and being the only one in the "Med Shed" that I would be in and out within half hour, 45 min tops. Yeah it took 3 hours. So that pretty much made my day go from being nice and easy to long and tedious.

With that being said, I was still able to get everything done, pack my bags and mail some of my stuff back home. I no longer have my cell phone. If you were to text me or leave a voicemail, I will not get it until I get back in January.

Tomorrow I leave for Afghanistan and I will have several stops along the way to drop off personal and cargo and pick stuff up. I have no idea when I will leave Columbus, Georgia but I will definitely provide an update once I get to Afghanistan or maybe even Kuwait depending on the Internet connection available.

I will update once I get to the other side of the world.

Luggage Duty

Yesterday I got all my military gear that I will be taking with me to Afghanistan and it is very heavy. I spent the better part of three hours in an unconditioned warehouse getting my stuff. I think I lost 10 lbs just due to the sweating. What a day to run out of deodorant. There was consensus among everyone that if we were doing this at an Air Force base that the warehouse would be conditioned. The Air Force typically spends there money on great facilities whereas the Army doesn't.

I was given three sea bags (military jargon for big duffel bag) full of stuff to take with me. Items in my bags include my uniforms, sleeping bag, body armor, helmet, boots, etc... Needless today they are very heavy. I have always thought of myself as being pretty strong but I was struggling with these bags. Each bag weighs about 70 lbs and they will be with me until I get back here in January 2011.

I volunteered for luggage duty which basically means that when the 400 of us go to leave for Kuwait, I will be one of 10 people loading the sea bags and ruck sacks onto the plane (military jargon for big book bag). My reward for doing this is that I will be sitting in the first class section of the plane during the flight over. I thought extra space that first class affords people would be worth the couple of hours that I will have to work with the bags. A bigger seat for a 20 + hour flight is a good thing in my book.

Today I had the good fortune to sit in training for 12 hours. At least this was air conditioned. We were trained on first aide for war zones. I am now well qualified to bandage any type of wound. The mannequins that they had us practicing on were very life like and they cost $25,000 per mannequin! The picture of the mannequin is on Facebook for any of those interested.

For lunch they were giving out MRE's again and I opted to support the fundraiser that was right next to it that was selling hot dogs and hamburgers. I have successfully avoided the lovely taste of MRE's thus far but that will end on Friday for my lovely flight. They are serving nothing but MRE's. Yummy.... I saw the oddest thing today during lunch...an ice cream truck. I thought it was a rather odd place for an ice cream truck but they definitely got a lot of business today.

The last part of my training today was on IED (improvised explosive devices). We actually got to handle real IED's that were disarmed. They are amazingly simple for how dangerous they are. CRC created a mock Afghanistan environment and we got to walk through it to see if we could spot the mock IED's that they created. Lets just say that if it was a real scenario rather than training, we would not have made it out. IED's are incredibly hard to spot if you are looking for them and impossible if you are not. I learned more from this training then I did during my entire graduate school experience. I suppose it is a little different when it could be a matter of life or death. For that reason, I will be staying exclusively at Camp Leatherneck for the next 6 months....unless I can get my hands on a helicopter :)

Tomorrow will be a rather slow day as it is a make up day for all the training, medical and paperwork that people have yet to complete. I will be mailing some of my clothes home tomorrow as well as my cell phone. So if you want to call me before I depart the country I would do so by tomorrow at 3:30 pm or 15:30 for all you military folks.